A mom is picking up her son from daycare. She carries him out, to which he kicks and lurches for the door because he wants to walk (he is 2). Mom is visiblly shocked and shaken by his sudden leap from her arms. She quickly tries to catch him and protect him from the two porch steps that her son is already navigating. He reaches out for her hand. While she grabs his hand, she also jumps in front of him, presumably to protect him from falling, which only causes him to lose his balance and sway some until the babysitter steadies him and he reaches for her hand too.
Now mom is trying to get her son into the car but he doesn’t seem to want to go. He is doing the normal 2-year-old thing, running around, and dodging her. Mom laughs and lunges for her son only to miss him by inches. He giggles and zig zags in the other direction.
Mom keeps laughing nervously, all the while talking in a sing song voice, “Why are you being so silly? Don’t you want to go home now?” Come on X we need to get home,” More nervous giggles from mom, “You sure are a crazy boy today.”
As she watches him try to make his way to the side of the house, the babysitter pipes up because she can see mom is losing control of the situation, “Hey X, come here. It’s time to go home now.” Her voice is calm, but firm. The boy comes over to the sitter who hands him off to mom and she puts him into the car, thanking the sitter and making excuses as to why he could be so wound up all of the sudden.
She is a good mom. She works hard every day and takes her son to the sitter. But mom has a few problems. As you can tell by the description above, mom has very little control over her son. She confesses that he gets into everything at home but she does little to discipline him. She’s afraid to it seems and she fully admits to having guilt over working and not being at home with her son. She is just one of millions of working moms who feel this way but understand that in order to maintain the lifestyle the family is accustomed to or for other personal reasons, she does work. No one should blame her for that, least of all herself.
My experience of this mom is that she lacks the confidence to discipline her child. Her nervous laughter says that she doesn’t know how to handle him or get him to cooperate. Her admission that she doesn’t want to discipline him at home because that is quality time also tells me that she’s afraid that if she does discipline him he will not want to spend time with her. My guess is that dad (who also works) does the majority of the disciplining and mom is the fun parent.
I see 2 things wrong with this.
1. This makes dad the heavy. Always. And I am guessing that mom lets him do it or sends her son to his dad when disciplining needs done. This will eventually make dad always look like the bad guy as their son gets older and mom will always be the pushover. Not a good parenting relationship.
2. Mom will never be taken seriously as a disciplinarian with her son if she doesn’t do any of the disciplining. As he gets older, he will realize this and learn that mom will bail him out or will recant any discipline she sets forth because he will learn to manipulate her. Even at the age of 2, he is already learning what he can get away with and with whom.
Parents who refrain from disciplining simply because they don’t want to be viewed as the bad guy or because they think it will spoil their time spent with their children are doing the kids a bigger disadvantage than actually doling out a bit of discipline. According to the AAP, discipline should begin as soon as a child can crawl, with the main emphasis being on safety. As they age, the discipline should grow with them to teach them about personal space, manners, appropriate behaviors, listening skills, and obeying their parents. It should be done firmly but with love and the opportunity to teach.
Sure a parent can start the discipline process at any age but the overall consensus is the younger the better. Children need and crave structure and guidance. Without it children will have a hard time learning boundaries and what is acceptable behavior. If they are always allowed to get away with things or get into trouble with little or no reprimanding, parents will find their struggle for control grow greater as the child gets older.
If I had the chance to talk to this mom myself my advice to her would be this;
She needs to find a way to end her guilt. If she cannot find a way to stop feeling guilty about working outside the home, she is going to do some major damage to her own inner self, her relationship with her husband and with their son. Coming from a mom who knows first hand, she has to let go of the guilt. No good will come from carrying it around. It will become all consuming and she will learn to resent her husband and even her sitter for her relationship being the one to help care for her son. In the end, it’s a lose/lose situation. No one can make her get over her guilt but her and she has to want to do it. In the end, she will feel better about her decisions for working, her choices in childcare, and her overall feelings about herself.
The other and possibly most important thing to relay to this mom is to begin disciplining Now! Don’t confess that there is little discipline at home and then wonder why he acts up in front of others. This child is looking for direction. The simple request of babysitter to come and “time to go home” gives this child a clear understanding of what is expected of him. Mom needs to step up her parenting at home. Fun and discipline can go hand in hand. She is not going to hurt him by giving him boundaries and a set of rules at home. Time outs are even appropriate at this age. Laughing at him from embarrassment or nervousness only sends him the message that this is a cute game that he must continue. Give him some independence and let him walk out the door instead of being carried. Give him independance where it is appropriate for him to have it and give him limits when it is not. Without a clear understanding of what is expected from him he will grow up and continue to manipulate mom, in addition to becoming a handful for the sitter.
These are just my experiences of the letter I received, but the advice is real for any mom who carries guilt over working or who is fearful of disciplining because she doesn’t want her child(ren) to see her as unfun or thinks they would rather be somewhere else than with her. Her fear of being too harsh makes her to lenient with her children and that’s just as bad.
