It’s been a while since The Guilty Parent has had some reader mail. This letter is a little unconventional but I still think it warrants an answer. Read on…
Dear Guilty Parent
I am not a parent yet myself but I am hoping you can help me with an issue I am having with my own parents.
I am 19 years old, a college student and still living at home. I help out my parents by watching my younger siblings when they work and I also go to work myself. I also have a fiance.
The problem is that my mom thinks just because I still live at home she can give me a curfew and also has other childish rules for me to follow. The last time I went out with my fiance she wanted me home by 10pm! I’m almost 20! Don’t I get to decide when I can come and go now that I am an adult? Isn’t it unfair of her to set a curfew for me when I work, go to school and help out my parents with my siblings?
I don’t know what to do about this but I know that there has to be something wrong with this, doesn’t there?
Thank you and I hope you can help me…
Signed,
Frustrated young woman
Dear Young Woman,
You may find this hard to believe but I side with both of you and your parents on this one and before I tell you why, I have to ask why you are still at home… I can only assume it is to save some money before you marry but again, assumptions aside…
Yes, I do think that it’s unfair that your mom imposes such a strict curfew for a woman your age. As a young adult, I was never given such curfews when I lived at home and one of my siblings (older than you) still lives at home with my mother and he has no such curfew. I would think that as a parent your mom should trust you to be able to come in at a reasonable hour on your own – since you work and attend college I can only guess that you are at least semi-responsible, especially since you are trusted to care for siblings while they are away. It’s time you had a heart to heart with your mom about being able to trust you and allow you to be the young woman you are – in short, she needs to loosen the apron strings a bit.
Now, on the other hand, you are also asking for the advice of a mom… so I will say, that if the house rules include a curfew you should abide by it. Whether or not you think the curfew and other rules are unreasonable, it is still her home and her rules. Once I was 18, I was welcome to leave at any time. You are still the example by which your siblings learn from and I’m guessing this is why your mom is doing this. Regardless of whether or not she agrees to make some changes for you, considering your age, respect her home and be home at a reasonable time.
Is it also possible that mom worries about you? The curfew may sound childish but it could be the one last way she has to show she worries about you and wants to keep you safe.
Talk to your mom and find out why the need for rules that have outgrown you. If you can’t come to a decision, then it could be time for you to leave the nest after all. Talk to some girlfriends and see if you can’t share some space until you walk down the aisle. It may be what you and mom both need!
What do you think parents? What else can we tell this young woman?
My dear frustrated young woman…I’m known as ‘mom’, ‘nana’ & a few others we probably don’t need to mention here. lol. Every once in awhile I check out my DD blogs,etc. This one kind of strikes home for me. You see ..I’m the mother who has one left at home with no curfew. He’s 22 yrs (soon to be 23 this yr). When he was your age he did have a curfew..to a point. We have city curfew by the local police department & that was pretty much my standards for a long time. Now..his sister (my youngest girl) felt that she could come & go as she pleased once she finished high school & was 18. I ..like your mom had 2 younger children at home that had to get up for school, my DH got up early for work & I got up early for work also. It was unfair to have the others sleep interrupted (we had dogs that barked) because she wanted to stay out with her friends. My biggest concern is like Nikki stated…worry about you. I was always worried about my daughter (her sister) & I worried about my son. There are too many drunks on the road -it’s not that she may not trust you – it’s a concern for your safety at hours that can be most dangerous. My son is now old enough to go to bars & nightclubs & drink. With hope & luck – he’s listened & ‘heard’ what I’ve nagged about for so many years. Out of respect if he is going to be out all night…I get a ‘courtesy’ call so I don’t wake up in the night & find him not home or in the morning & have to leave for work not knowing. He has a cell phone & has for years – I provided it in the beginning in case of emergency. I think maybe she doesn’t want to see her little girl grow-up so soon & maybe her strings are a little too tight. Maybe a compromise on your part will make her loosen up a little. You are entitled to a life of your own but Nikki is also correct in saying that it’s still her house & you need to respect her rules. Maybe talking with her about your honest feelings will ‘open a door’ up a little more for you. Good Luck – remember she loves you -even if you think she’s being unfair. It’s hard being a mom – I know I’ve been one x’s 4 for 34 years now & it still is hard.
This is pretty much exactly a mirror image of me. I am 19 and I have a 9:00 curfew most of the time. Im not asking to stay out all night and party, but it would be nice if it could be extended to at least 10:30. Ive tried multiple times to talk to my mother about this but she is absolutely unwilling to compromise. What should I do??
-disgruntled young lady
Hi disgruntled – I am beginning to think that it might be time for you to actually strike out on your own… This goes against my mom radar but if mom is unwilling to budge or compromise then maybe YOU need to be the one to cut these apron strings.
I look at it this way, it’s not a bad thing to live at home with your parents but at some point you need to do it on your own. Otherwise, where will the coping skills be when it is time to live on your own? I’m a firm believer in independence and it seems like your mom isn’t willing to give you the independence your age needs.
I hope that makes sense and I wish you all the luck! Hopefully you have some supportive friends who can help you through this if/when you decide to move on from mom’s house!