Photograph courtesy of freeparking on Flickr
Has anyone seen the nuclear family lately? I mean correct me if I’m wrong but today’s families are so spread out that it’s almost impossible to follow the African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child”.
I’d like to think that I’m among those parents who feel like they’re on an island rather than part of a large village working together to raise a well rounded and educated member of society. There are many days, that I feel utterly alone in this but I know it’s not true, it’s just that everyone is so spread out or busy doing their own parenting thing that it can be hard to connect.
Factor in that the definition of the nuclear family has drastically changed so it’s no wonder parents aren’t sure if they’re “all in this together” or if we’re each fending for ourselves. Parents no longer live within five minutes of their extended family let alone in the same county, grandparents are raising their grandkids, aunts and uncles are filling the gap of one parent or another. 30 years ago when a parent was missing from the picture, it was talked about in hushed tones in hallways and whispered about in the teacher’s lounge. Pity was taken on the kids for not having the complete picture present but people pitched in and helped those families make it through.
Today not having the picture of parenting perfection is the norm. We don’t even balk at it anymore it seems and that’s OK with me. I’m not going to tell anyone what the ideal family should look like. Unfortunately we’re not balking at how the children are weathering the death of the nuclear family. We’re all for talking about what’s happening to the children but we’re not doing ANYTHING as a village to help raise the children. I’ll give you a minute to figure out what I mean by that.
If it were my child, I’d hope there was a village to back me up. After all, when I’m gone (not planning on living forever, are you?) we should be making sure we’ve raised our future leaders in a way that will keep the world (or village) moving, right?
So now that you’ve thought about it? What do you think? Are you an island Or are you a part of the village?
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Fortunately, I have a “village.” I live close to my in-laws, my son has his uncle around, and we have a few friends with parenting ideas/values like ours. But, you are right. They are few and far between. Gone are the days when we feel comfortable correcting one another’s kids, helping to raise them right. We have forgotten how to be a community.
I’m grateful to have such wonderful people around me… a support group for the rough days, and a cheering committee for the good days!
When we first came to Puebla, Mexico we were on our own… did not even know one person here! Now my husband’s family lives here in Puebla and it is such a blessing to have family close by! Point in case.. we just got back from spending the weekend and Stompernet Live 7 where we got some awesome internet marketing info from Paul Lemberg, Ben Mack, Jerry West, and Dan Thies and we were able to leave 5 of our 6 kids in good hands here in Mexico. We sure missed our kids though and are glad to be home!
We live in a city with not one single relative. And it stinks. My friends go out of town for the weekend and leave the kids with grandma. Not us. My friends send their kids over to their cousin’s house for the afternoon. Not us. My friends have sisters and moms to pick up their sick kid at school in a pinch. Not us. I was raised this way too. Makes you self-sufficient, that’s for sure. But I do wonder how the other half, the half with the village, lives.
I am on an island. I was adopted and my relationship with that family is pretty strained. My adoptive parents live about an hour and a half away from me and the rest of our family is mostly in the Pittsburgh area. My birth family (whom I was lucky enough to find) is spread out between Pennsylvania, Alabama, and Washington state. My family in WA is who I deal with most and that’s usually by weekly phone calls. I’m planning a move out there (and getting frustrated because the stars don’t seem to be aligning right) soon to be closer to them and have a support system.
Hi Nichole,
First of all, I realise this is an old post, but I did a search, it caught my eye.
Wow, your title is exactly my husband and I. We are raising our children definitely without the village. My parents are completely dysfunctional (mental illness sadly) and my husband’s parents are not much better. Somehow, the two of us came out right (we do not have any mental illness of any sort thank goodness) but both families, due to the dysfunctional and toxic grandparents, are completely detached (with a few members actually practicing detachment as a religion – no offence to buddhism, but it really does encourage people to completely detach in all ways, including healthy ways!
So, my husband and I, always craving something that resembles a larger family to offer to our two beautiful little children (a little boy and baby girl) struggle day to day with it all and nobody ever offers us a scrap of help let alone remember us for Christmas. Honestly, it’s the most sad situation, I try not to dwell on it, I mean, how can you control your own extended family??? Answer – you simply can’t. You just create your own wonderful happy ‘little’ family, which we do between the four of us, but boy, we get lonely (and exhausted!) sometimes – as a little family.
Any advice would be great!
Yes I am a mother on completely isolated Island. I am a foreigner who lives in the USA
I came to a small town where I troghour I would live on a temporary basis for a job while my ex-husband works on the other state. In the mean time the child was born but my ex-husband turned to someone I never expected to exist. He turned from the love of my life to a complete psycho who cheated on us several times and abandoned us finally.
I have been with my husband without my family permission during our dating time and marriage. His family and friends were the only people whom I consider a family and friends, but after our divorce, they also slowly disappeared from our life. The only people I consider a family lives 3 days flight away. I do not even have an emergency contact other than some office friends.
I tried create friendship with some people here, but cannot keep up with any kind of social life and fulfill people expectation here, while single handedly bringing up my child alone.
The degree of my ex-betrayal somehow made me stronger than I thought I would be. But it is hard !!!!!
Yes, I am raising a child without a village in a completely isolated Island, even though I have been raised in Africa with many sibelings extended family, and niece neighbors.