However, last week, Oprah had Dr. Laura Berman on her show to discuss how/when/why to have “the talk” with your teen. I saw other comments around the web about this episode, so my curiosity was peaked. Oprah is one not to shy away from controversy. One of the comments made by Dr. Berman (and I’ve read the transcripts on Oprah.com, so I have no idea how the audience reacted) was to buy your teen daughter a vibrator. “This is just a way to normalize it and normalize sexual exploration.” her words, not mine.
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Let that settle in for a minute.
Now say it with me: EWWWWW. Seriously, I think if my mom had done that to me, I would have run away and moved out IMMEDIATELY. I did have a friend growing up that her mom was just that open. She had the complete talk at 4 years old with all her kids. Having “the talk’ is stressful enough for most parent, but going out and purchasing a vibrator for your teen just grosses me out. I’m not against it FOR ADULTS. That’s your personal choice.
I have had parts of “the talk” with my kids (ages 4 and 7), geared to their age and what was asked of me. Bascially, I answered their question and moved on. I am not volunteering any more than I need to. I think sex education is purely on a need to know basis. And if they are not asking, I’m not telling.
Its going to be bad enough when they have ”the talk” at school, and she comes home with questions. They had the “touching is wrong” assembly earlier this winter, which she asked us nothing about afterward. And that assembly is once a year, unless you sign the slip to get your kid out of it. Of course it will be at a Catholic school, so they will be reinforcing my attitude, wait for marriage. Which I know is totally unrealistic in the day and age.
And have you ever been in an Adult bookstore? The smell of Lysol and who-knows-what-else does nothing for me. Its something I can say; been there, never going back. I was young and stupid, that is all I can chalk it up to. I am not going to go into one to purchase anything for my teenager. I was more scared seeing what was available than feeling liberated. I would not purchase anything at Target or a big box store either.
So, sorry Oprah, I am not watching the show or reading another transcript. While Dr. Berman covered the facts, much of the morality has been left out. I think I really need to pick up things in that department with my kids.
When Jennifer is not debating The Oprah Show, you can find her at Toast on the Ceiling , debating with her kids on how much candy they should eat in a day.
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I’m glad I don’t have a daughter so I don’t have to possibly eat my words some day, despite the creepiness, I don’t think the recommendation was really such a bad thing. I don’t think I could go out and buy one of those for my hypothetical daughter without her knowledge, but I might consider talking to her about whether or not she would be curious to have one, and then buy one for her. (They have Internet stores that ship these things with discreet packaging. Or you can get your friends together and find a consultant for a Passion Party.)
Seriously, kids are experimenting sexually at younger and younger ages. If my hypothetical daughter could learn to make herself feel good and not go looking for some hormonal teenage boy to fumble around and not really help her in that matter, that’s much to the better. (I was outside the norm “back in my day,” as I was a virgin until I was 19.) If nothing else, a girl who has a vibrator would realize that, the first time she let a boy actually do anything with her, no boy is going to make her feel the way that feels. Boys are too immature and inexperienced, and maybe that would help prevent her from sleeping around, realizing they don’t know what they’re doing.
I’m rambling, but those are my thoughts.
Christina Gleason @ Cute Mom Clothes’s last blog post..Jeans with Braided Leather Trim
You nailed what bothered me about the segment: facts without morality are just facts. Are are the reason our society is going downhill…fast.
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Wow. Ok. Letting that soak in for a minute.
I can’t vouch for Opera in any way. I’ve never been a huge fan of people giving advice in area’s they don’t have experience themselves. And, I haven’t seen this segment, or read the transcripts, but I can say, I absolutely do not agree with this suggestion!
As a woman who was a virgin till marriage at age 21, I can say there are healthy ways to have “the talk” and sex toys are not needed to keep your daughter pure.
My parents were open with me. Any question I’d ask, they’d answer. I never had to get information from my friends or a school system. In fact, I can say I never learned anything new from peers because it had always been handled at home. I was taught strong morals; no sex before marriage. I was taught the dangers of pre-marital/unprotected sex as well.
I can’t say the desires were never there. They were very real. But, the “right thing to do” had been instilled in a loving way so that I honestly wanted to wait.
Another thought: If the toy is “so much better than the real thing,” isn’t the girl who’s grown up using it going to be disappointed with the man she ends up marrying?
While I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion, this is one area I won’t budge on; if we ever have a girl!
To clarify my comment, inexperienced teenage boys who don’t know what they’re doing can certainly grow up to be men who please their wives, but it takes time to work together with your partner to get to that place… something I would guess many kids aren’t doing when they hook up looking for a quick thrill. (Dude, no toy could ever do the things my husband can do for me… But if a girl doesn’t know what an orgasm feels like, she may think that it doesn’t get any better than what happens in the back seat of a football player’s car. How fair is that?)
As for morality, I don’t think sex is immoral, and I don’t think that sex toys are immoral. I do think that sex is a big responsibility with a lot of emotional baggage attached to it, and the longer our kids can postpone it, the better! For their mental and physical health.
Christina Gleason @ Cute Mom Clothes’s last blog post..Jeans with Braided Leather Trim
Christina,
I agree with that post. Thanks for clearing up.
I’m still not for toys for teens, but I can see your point of view and respect it.
It’s nice to see people with different viewpoints discuss these things in a grown-up manner. We need this. As parents we’re never always right. We learn and gain from others! That’s what I love so much about The Guilty Parent. It’s advice, encouragement, and support all in one!
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I saw the show with my eight year old and when the vibrator was mentioned, everyone – including Oprah – was taken aback. Besides that little controversial detour, I actually found the show informative. I was surprised that the 10 year old little girl (adorable!) didn’t know about sex.
I talk to my daughter and four sons about sex. They understand “mechanically” what it is. I do so for two reasons: 1) I want my children to feel comfortable discussing anything and everything with me. I know that there are some things they will always prefer talking with their friends about, but I want to keep communication open. I won’t always agree with everything they say or do, but I’m up for a discussion at all times.
2) I live in an urban area where unplanned pregnancy and promiscuity aren’t just teen issues anymore. Many of the children my kids go to school with have extremely young parents who have boyfriends, etc. and they come to school emulating the behaviors they see at home. My 2 kindergarteners were telling me last week about a boy and girl student who keep getting into trouble for kissing. They consider themselves boyfriend and girlfriend. Hello – your 5yrs old!
Then of course there’s the issue of “sexting” that is even going on in middle schools. I can’t leave it to my kid’s friends to educate them about sex. My talks include discussing self-esteem, no following the pack, respect, marriage and other values my husband and I are trying to instill. In my humble opinion knowledge is power. I won’t be getting my daughter a vibrator, or buying condoms for my kids, but I’m taking a proactive stance NOW by talking to them and educating them.
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[...] know you will remember how in April, Jennifer posted about why she would never watch Oprah again. I loved her post even though I respectfully disagree with some parts of her post. So to watch this [...]
I would like to say that Oprah or the Dr. Berman may not have covered or thought of the legal ramifications of making this purchase. Let’s say that a person has a very silly and immature little girl, and she decides to take this new “toy” to school to show her best friend. Let’s say a boy or teacher sees the “toy” in her backpack. She goes to the principal’s office. Questions are asked. As the parent and purchaser, you are suspected as a child molester.
Or let’s say she is a confused girl, has tons of questions about your purchase for her, but is too shy to ask you. She calls her best friend and asks questions. Her best friend doesn’t have all the answers, so she asks her own mom. She mentions the purchase of the “toy” for your daughter to her mother. You are suspected as a child molester.
Way too many things could go wrong.