Is there a Wrong Age for Becoming a Mom?
28 May
Photo by Adrian via stock.xchng
At first glance you might want to answer no right? Me too. Then I started thinking about friends of mine who graduated from high school with a baby on their hip. When I graduated, I could name at least five girls from my circle of friends who were either pregnant or had already had a baby. But teen pregnancy is nothing new; it’s just out in the open today as opposed to decades ago when teen moms were sent away to have their children.
When I think of a young mom today, the image of Bristol Palin on the cover of People magazine comes to mind. I read the full article and I think that Bristol might be the exception to the teen mom rule. Another teen mom summed up her thoughts in the article by saying that not every teen mom has the governor of Alaska backing her. So true.
We, as a society look down on these moms. I can’t say for sure how many teen moms I have in my community but considering that our small high school graduated with just over 100 students, a pregnant teenager would make this small town talk a bit, or would it?
But then that brings to light another thought. As I’m picking up my children from their last day of school, I’m painfully aware that among my 13 year old’s peers, I’m a young mom. (though I rarely feel YOUNG). As I drive across the street to the elementary school, I’m also aware of my age there too. I’m surrounded by moms who for some reason or another have at least five years on me in age; though our children are in the same grade. At first I was bothered by it, especially when I was once told by a woman who had surpassed me in age (but we had the same number of kids at the same age), that I didn’t “know” as much because I was younger. Huh? Did my being a younger mom by almost 10 years make me less intelligent? I still can’t wrap my head around that sometimes.
We don’t look down on older moms but should we?
Elizabeth Adeney was recently in the news for being an older mom; 66 years old and eight months pregnant actually. Should we hold her to the same standards that we hold the teen moms? Should she have known better? She made the decision to receive IVF treatments against the advice of numerous fertility specialists.
Let’s look at this closely: If you’re a teen mom, you’re told that you’re throwing your life away or that it will be much harder for you to succeed in life. Honestly, I think that’s true at any age. I was 20 when Bug was born and it’s taken me this long to feel like I’m coming into my own and successful. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have a clear view of what I wanted at 20 or maybe it was that my goals and plans simply changed as I got older. Nevertheless, I did not have it together and fast forward some five or ten years and “having it together” takes on a completely different meaning.
Now what does the older mom face? Well, there’s the obvious increased risks for complications and birth defects that are reported in babies that are born to older moms. But what about the sheer fact of being able to keep up with your child (I know I struggle at *cough* 30+ years old) Or… oh I don’t know… death? Yes, I know we can all die at any time – there’s no secret about that, but if you’re 66 years old and just having a baby, what are your odds of making it to that child’s high school graduation? That’s a morbid thought but it’s true – and what if, heaven forbid, it wasn’t physical mortality that takes you but mental death? If you succumb to Alzheimer’s disease or Dementia, as my own great grandmother did… well that’s painful for anyone to witness let alone a child who can’t understand why mom doesn’t recognize them anymore.
I think when we start condemning one age group for becoming a mom, be it planned or unplanned, we need to be prepared to condemn the other group as well. The older mom is still seen as “smart” for waiting till she was settled in life, but isn’t 66 too settled? The younger mom is foolish for throwing her life away to a demanding baby and a life destined for hardship…
I might not have been a teen mom, but I don’t remember the two or three extra years of age I had on my graduating friends making it any easier on me.
Shouldn’t age be relative?
Related articles by Zemanta
- Bonnie Fuller: Bristol Palin’s People Magazine Cover is a Total Promotion for Teen Pregnancy! (huffingtonpost.com)
- Does Bristol Palin Inspire Teen Pregnancy? (blisstree.com)
- Bristol Palin Tells People: “If Girls Realized The Consequences … Nobody Would Be Having Sex” (huffingtonpost.com)
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](http://img.zemanta.com/reblog_b.png?x-id=1f7513a0-a4f0-4ec8-ac4e-67b52b2638d7)
Thank you for visiting. I love having new readers so please feel free to join the discussions! If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Come back soon!!
Related posts:
As a teen mom, I completely agree that age is relative. I had my first son (now 13) when I was 17, got pregnant at 16. However, due to life circumstances was already on my own with a job and apartment w/roommate. I have mentored young moms, 19 and 21, that were not nearly as ‘ready’ as I was. Do I advocate having children when you are a child yourself- absolutely not. Has it made it more difficult- in many ways yes. And I have had to deal with people, particularly school officials, that did not take me seriously as a parent or advocate for my child because they looked at me as a statistic and not an individual case.
When my boys were little, I was by far the youngest mom in my moms group. And there were 30 something and 40 something moms having their first baby that I was friends with (and still am, ten years later) that would come to me for advice on teething, etc. We joke about it now.
A mom is a good mom based on many factors, age is one of the least relevant in my opinion.
I must say I completely agree with the post and with Melissa’s comment. I was a teen mom at the age of 15. Yes I know, very young. I would NEVER recommend it to any teenager but I don’t live in regrets either. I also, like Melissa, have known many women in their 20’s who were not as prepared as I was. Not that I am saying I was prepared by all means. I now mentor teens and work with teen moms. If I could get my message across to wait until you are ready, no matter the age, then I would feel success. Your age doesn’t prepare you, your mentality does.
MommaDJane’s last blog post..Sunday Night Lock Down
I must say after being raised by a teen mom I can’t say I look down upon teen moms. do I condone the behavior, no, but if their parents are not going to educate them, and if the school can not educate them and if they have support system to turn to – then teen pregnancy is and will happen.
I do not feel it is fair for anyone to be judged by another. I understand life is not fair, and I would never want everything to be fair, but I do not feel being a Mom is a job you can only do at a certain age. Gosh I became a mom at age 20 for the first time – 2 weeks before I turned 21 – and I was no more ready then if I had waited a few years!
Great post, well written and brings up a very important topic for discussion!
Brandy’s last blog post..We Are Going to NYC
This is a very interesting post. My mother was an English teacher for over 30 years at a high school in Rhode Island. Every year, she would have at least 2-3 students who were expecting or who had babies. These girls were great mothers, they loved their children… the only difficult part for most of them was that they were children themselves sometimes. The youngest being 14. What I always thought was amazing about my mother’s students were that they worked harder and hard. They had full time jobs and went to school. They stayed up all night doing homework and feedings. It was amazing to me to see the love between a mom and a child. As you can tell – my mother bonded with her students, they looked to my mom as a mentor. My opinion of teenagers having babies (now being a mom of 4 boys – 4 and under) is just the amount of work and sacrifice comes with raising children. The love and happiness and joy and excitement is all there… that’s innate. As far as being an older parent… I guess I come from the world where I have known so many older women wanting to have babies… and finally getting the chance. They know the factors and that their age calls for a potentially more difficult pregnancy… but they don’t care b/c they want a child. And I think there’s something beautiful and fair and amazing about a woman having a baby.
Great post, Nikki. I loved the thought you put into it. Thanks for posting.
I can come into this one from both angles. I had my first at 17 and while I think my life in general would have been easier, I adapted and grew up where it was necessary. I didn’t have any more until I was 27, so coming into motherhood at a “normal” age, I still got much of the same treatment as I did when I was pregnant as a teen.
As everyone else pointed out, ready is a state of mind. While my adult pregnancy was planned, I don’t think I was any more mentally ready than I made myself when I had my first more than 14 years ago. In that case, you just choose to be ready, or you don’t. It’s that simple.
I think “experienced” moms look down on moms of any age. Is it fair? No way, but that’s just how it is. It doesn’t matter if you are ready, mature, or have no business as a mother, you’re still going to catch flack from the “old pros.”
Shannan P’s last blog post..Reason #2314 Potty Training Sucks
I also was a young mother. I had my first child when I was 17. I was no more ready than I would be if I had a child today. Who is “ready” to have children? First, children do not come with books on how to raise them, and second, if they did, all children are different and not all things apply to each child equally.
I also have problems with people looking down on me for being so young – I don’t care! I’ll say something! Also – I have had the school teachers, principals, etc, treat me different but again, I speak my mind and will call someone out if they disrespect me. I have done it to one of the assistant principals at my son’s school and that may be part of the reason that I am having the problems I am now at that school.
Life is all about choices. Treat people how you want to be treated. Do you want respect? GIVE respect!
I’m raising my kids on my own and have been for a long time – I’ve lived through alot, seen alot, and I regret none of it. These factors contribute to my “attitude” – you know, the one where I stand up for myself and my children.
And I couldn’t care less about anyone’s opinions of me or my children.
Angie’s last blog post..Winners Drawn: Children’s Claritin Grape Chewables and Coupons
People don’t seem to realize that much of the reason life is so difficult for young moms is because we make it that way with our attitudes. 100, or even 50, years ago, becoming a parent at 15 or 18 was normal and even preferable. We like to believe we are somehow more civilized for waiting until we have our proverbial “ducks in a row,” but then our bodies aren’t in their reproductive prime and we end up doing more harm to ourselves and our children by necessitating the use of fertility drugs and the like.
I started my blog, 20SomethingMom, because I had a baby last year, at age 21, when I was a senior in college. I was in a relationship, and graduated a few months later. Yet, I was looked upon as though I were a teenager. I think we should step up and offer support to those having children at a young age, so that we don’t get so caught up in the illusion of the career-then-family continuum that we forget who we are biologically.
Chelsea’s last blog post..Toddlers and…Discipline?
I think age is definitely only one factor in how good of a parent you are, but with that said, I’d say *generally speaking* certain ages are too young or too old to be a good choice. Sometimes it is not a choice and then you do the best you can in the circumstances you are in. But I definitely am more apt, personally, to criticize a much older mom (as the case you mentioned, 66?!) who made a clear decision to have a baby despite the high risk factors involved. As for teen moms, there are some great ones, but some of them rebel later and turn into sucky parents, even if they seemed to manage well for the first few years. I have a mother who was one – who has to a large extent abdicated all parental (and thus grandparental) involvement, because she did her time and she wants to party now, at 52. And I know 2 or 3 others personally who were 16/17 yr old mothers who as their own kids hit the teenage years are really struggling with continuing to be a “grown-up” and just want to finally be able to cut loose and have fun. Parenting doesn’t stop just because you are tired out though. Okay, starting to get way too long and ranty – sorry!!!
Laurie/MobileMommy’s last blog post..BlogHer Party Time
i am 21 of age,and i have a very lovely relationship with a lady of 22,
we both love and respect each other.
Now,she is pregnant for and we are both undergraduates in different universities, She is very worried about the situation and i want her to keep the baby.
please,i need an advise,,,
i am 21 of age,and i have a very lovely relationship with a lady of 22,
we both love and respect each other.
Now,she is pregnant for me and we are both undergraduates in different universities, She is very worried about the situation and i want her to keep the baby.
please,i need an advise,,,