Mother’s Day: Renegotiating my Motherhood Contract for 2009-2010

Credit Craig Jewell

Last year was a pretty good year under my role of mother.

The children grew as expected, no one caught any terrible illness that couldn’t be cured without Tylenol and 7up, they were fed, bathed, read to, danced with, cuddled, kissed, and even swatted when needed. Groundings were handed out and so were rewards, dinners out, awesome toys, and many, many laughs. Hard times came and went, we experienced joy and sadness. I wiped bottoms, cheered on the sidelines, drove to practices, made lunches, had heart to heart talks, cried a little and prayed a lot. I yelled at the top of my lungs, lost my voice, swore silently, swore loudly, paced endlessly, never worried needlessly, met new friends, and managed to take at least one shower and one trip to the bathroom unattended.

However, in my contract as mother to four, it never spells out what I expect in return (does your contract say it? I’d like to take a peek at it).

So this year, I’m renegotiating my contract. As we all know, contract renewal is coming up on May 1oth. This is the day every year that husbands and children try to woo us with breakfast in bed, projects from school that 21 other kids made exactly the same, hugs, kisses, affirmations that we are the best mom EVER (at least for those 24 hours or until we have to tell someone to stop hitting their sister), or the promise that we get THE WHOLE DAY all to ourselves (which usually only turns out to be about five or six hours TOPS) all in the hope of signing on for another year of a dirty thankless job, that is grossly under appreciated yet highly valued and sought out by millions of women around the world.

After all of that, I think I’m finally due for some contract negotiations. In the past I’ve been tricked flattered by the trinkets and affirmations of love by the other parties involved. However, I think I’m finally on to them this year and I’ve devised some edits which I believe to have MY best interest in mind.

And so on May 10th, I’m making some much needed edits for the 2009-2010 year. Here are some of the contract revisions I’ve come up with. Feel free to copy and use as you need or add your own revisions:

1. Stay out of my stash of chocolate. I know you all know where it is and all I ask is that you stay out. That stash of chocolate is what keeps you alive. I’ve counted and someone owes me 10 M&Ms from the big bag. Please don’t make me check hands or smell your breath. I’m not above it.

2. I require at least ONE trip to the bathroom a day that does not require your assistance or company.

3. In order to continue your education and vocabulary, I require that everyone reads to me from now on. I’m old and my eyes hurt.

4. Any mention of gray hair, wrinkles, or my age will result in no dessert and 7pm bedtimes for the entire summer vacation. Anyone who snickers or giggles in agreement will endure this punishment through the end of the year. You’ve been warned.

5. Should you put anyone up to the task of sweet talking or bribing me into a trip to McDonald’s or ice cream before your chores are finished shall be dealt with swiftly and with much cruelty and creativity.

6. I require two (2) days a month that belong completely to me. Those days begin at midnight and end at midnight resulting in a full 24 hours. I may or may not choose to take them consecutively. It will depend on my sanity and your behavior at the time.

7. Do not call me on my cell phone while I am out and beg me to come home because dad is meaner than I am. I already know this and yes, I meant to do that.

8. Do not call me on my cell phone and tell me dad is messing up dinner, bath time, story time, homework, or whatever. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. Telling me will delay my return to the house.

9. Visits with friends, sleepovers and such shall be decided amongst the adults – not the children at the last minute on the day you want to visit or sleepover. We require more than 7 minutes notice. Any last minute requests will be met with a NO. Especially if you keep asking and following me while you are on the phone with said friend.

10. I will continue to accept hugs, kisses, small hand made gifts that I can’t tell what it is until you tell me, cards, and attempts at cooking as payment for my services but not as a form of bribery for later bedtimes, sleepovers, or special treatment. Accepted forms of bribery include, money (I give you all of mine, you would have to give it back), jewelry (diamonds, not your sister’s craft beads), and vacations, (without you, thank you very much). Please show this section to your father. He can help you.

Well moms what do you think? It’s high time we start looking at this role as the lucrative and highly skilled role that it is. Not every woman can do this or even wants this job (make sure you bring that up during negotiations so as to scare away any notions of finding someone else to do your job).

What edits might you add to your contract? Share them with us!

About Nichole Smith

Nichole Smith has written 312 posts on The Guilty Parent.

Founder of The Guilty Parent and Chaos in the Country (http://www.chaosinthecountry.com), Nichole is a writer, blogger, social media strategist, wife to one, mother to four and embracer of mommy guilt.

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