I have some of that. I’ll get it out of the way now so I can get onto the stuff that really gets me teary.
In January I started on a trek that has landed me not one, but two amazing opportunities. A little trip to New York City and a chance encounter with a group of amazing women bloggers (and moms of course), has turned into my part in being a Lifetime Mom and helping launch Lifetimemoms.com as a parenting channel editor (which the name alone gets me, we’re always a mom for life). For me it’s part getting to work with an amazing company that I’ve loved for years (yes, I watch the Lifetime movies and now I watch Grey’s Anatomy there in syndication) and it’s part being able to talk about being a mom, quite possibly the most insane job I’ve ever taken on and not managed to get fired from or quit (though I’m sure there are days when the kids and Brian would LOVE to fire me from – but it’s not happening. I’m far too bull-headed committed to them).
The second amazing opportunity to come out of that has been being a Community Manager at MothersClick.com (I love me some online communities). I work with some amazingly wonderful moms helping to make this community a great one. I’ve always loved being a part of an online community and I can’t imagine anything I’d rather be doing (besides writing and blogging). Go. Find me. Friend me. Join a club. You know you want to.
I went BlogHer and met so many sisters. I saw my Lifetime Mom friends and met in person the friend who has talked me down from blogger/writer insanity on more times than I can count. I admit I worried a bit if Shannan would like me or if she would think I was a loon (she kind of knew I was loon by our skype chats). Meeting her scared me more than traveling on my own (which I hadn’t done since I was 18). I’m glad to say she’s still talking to me and talking me down when I need it (and laughing at me). Still, there is nothing like meeting a whole community of people who understand you and speak your language – and they’re not even blood related.
I dropped some clients, I picked up some new clients. As I’m typing this, I’m preparing a portfolio for a new potential writing client and I’m working out the next step in writing my first ebook. If it’s like my knitting, it will be done when one of the kids graduate high school.
In terms of work and writing, it’s been exciting.
(Now grab your tissues)… 
On a personal level this year has been trying. To say the least. It’s the first time I left the house and kids up to Brian outside of heart surgery or having kids. It’s been different because I could never in any of those instances say “I have to go” because I didn’t. Not in any of them. But I wanted to and he bit his tongue, said nothing and let me go. He’s supportive but he doesn’t like all of this blogging. I don’t get how you can be supportive but not like it… I guess I’ll have to figure that out next year.
I recently heard rumors that Brian has read my blog (the rumors come from him by the way). Since I don’t let him near a computer at home, I can only guess that it’s at work where guys bring laptops and wifi cards on lunch and break time. So what I’m saying will be no surprise to him and it even explains some comments he’s made to me in the last year (mostly along the lines of firing me from my mom duties).
If I’ve ever given the impression that my marriage is happy go-lucky, go back and read this blog again. We’re both very difficult people to live with. We’re total opposites and while that can compliment some things; it also COMPLICATES some things. He’s all black and white and I’m a coat of many colors. There are friends who don’t get it and can’t understand it and yes, I occasionally smack myself in the head trying to understand it as well. I’ve given up trying to understand. It is what it is.
And I can’t afford the ibuprofen for the headaches I’ve given myself right now.
The accident didn’t help matters any. I’m struggling with things that I realized about my life. Things I don’t even write here but just let walk around in my head taking up space. Maybe some day but not any time soon will I empty my head.
December is a mixed bag of blessings. Zoe celebrated one year with her new heart. For that reason alone I let so many of my other complaints roll off my back. Because when little girls get new hearts, who really gives a crap about everything else?I think about how lucky our family is to be seeing this day and I can’t even speak. I sorta smile all stupid like.
This year though I am missing my brothers. One is serving in Afghanistan fighting for a situation I don’t understand. In April, while he was still in bootcamp, he called my cellphone and left me a voicemail wishing me a happy birthday. I missed the call. I saved the message. I can’t erase it. Not until he comes home safe.
My other brother struck out on his own to move to Texas. I know now enough Texas bloggers that could probably find him and check up on him for me. I don’t quite back his reasons for moving but I understand he’s a big boy now and big boys gotta do what big boys gotta do. Still, I’m wishing his dorky laugh was a part of my Christmas this year.
Maybe next year.
Did I ever tell you that I once moved to South Carolina? I lived there for about four months while Brian was in the Navy. I was miserable. I missed my family, my brothers, my sister. This year feels a little like that.
This has been a roller coaster year in every sense of the word. Ups and downs, flips, flops that make you feel like you’re going to toss on the guy standing below you… I often remark to people and this year was the first time I’ve ever heard Brian agree, that a new year doesn’t start for us until February when all the birthdays are over. It feels like from November until February 1st is a giant ride on the crazy train and every year I manage to pick a seat right up front.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes this year too. Personal and professional. There’s no going back really to undo them. I pretty much have to keep moving forward, trying not to make bigger messes. This year I’m asking Santa to bring me some heavy duty cleaning supplies and super glue. I can’t fix the professional mistakes, only learn from them and make mental notes not to do that again. But the personal mistakes I can clean and repair most of those. The ones I can’t fix, I’ll just store away in my head like a broken knick-knack on a shelf that I can’t bear to part with.
I know I’m blessed and that I’m pretty lucky to do everything I’m doing. The kids are all healthy, the first grading period for this school year was the first one where we’ve seen all the kids make A’s (and some B’s) and I think that’s pretty fan-freaking-tastic considering August and September of this year was a total mess. Peanut made it out of his pull-ups, out of my bed, and into his own big boy bed. I didn’t plant flowers this year but I didn’t kill any either so that’s a bonus.
So the majority of this might sound like a very depressing year in review, and it just very well might be, but that’s how things work sometimes. I told you I wasn’t going to clutter it up with glamorizing my accomplishments. There’s room for that but I have to keep room for the stuff that’s not so glamorous because blogging and writing and trying to make everything work the way I want it to isn’t glamorous. It’s really hard. It’s hard on the people I love, it’s hard on me, and
I’m hoping that one day I’ll be satisfied with everything and be able to come back and report a year in review full of sunshine and daisies. But I think we’re all smart enough to know life is not a product review. You can’t just post the positive points and post your seal of approval and call it a day. If I am to do this blog justice at all, I have to give you all points.
I’ve never been one for the “all positive” review school of thought anyway.
photo: marc gerardi (via stock.xchng)
