I have to keep on moving right now because it feels like if I sit still I will explode. I have a full plate.
As a good friend said “It’s a buffet. You can always come back for more.”
The problem is that I am the type of person who will take as much as I can fit on one plate and pray I don’t dump something on my way back to the table.
I’ve created somewhat of a personal mess for myself (not writing or blogging related) and so I’m busy trying to keep everything on my plate and make sure I can still go back for more if there’s anything left.
“It is what it is”.
Right now I don’t have the energy to explain it to one more person and I apologize for that because I know I sound cryptic and mysterious but I’ve watched women bloggers get publicly spanked by their community and the interwebs for much less than what I’m going through so if it’s all the same, I’m just gonna handle this on my own for now.
What I can say and what I’ve suspected for a couple of years now is that the postpartum depression I felt from Shorty’s birth never really went away. I found ways to hide it, cover it and pretend it wasn’t there somewhere, waiting for me. Because of that (and other things) I sought out unhealthy habits to make myself feel something other than low and sad.
It’s finally caught up with me I think. Anxiety, panic attacks, and bad habits have come to full boil like a pot that is about to spill over any minute now.
It’s not right. I’m not right. I function. I smile. I do the bare minimum to keep my family functioning. I make some great jokes but I think I’ve been using my sense of humor to cover some really huge flaws in my life.
It’s as if I am put together like a puzzle; lose one piece and you still know what the picture is. Lose too many pieces and the puzzle no longer looks like anything.
My pieces are missing.
Some dear bloggy friends, personal friends and family know the whole story and for them I’m grateful. I am leaning on them too hard I fear, but they make me smile and feel.
This is probably one of the few times that I will choose to keep some of my life to myself. It’s not that I don’t think you can handle me telling you, it’s that I don’t feel comfortable sharing IT ALL right now.
All I’m asking is for you to bear with me. Factor in PMS and I’m a lovely person to be around right now.
When things have settled and I have a clearer picture in my head of what I’m doing and how I am dealing, I promise to share it with you.
Nikki, I know we haven’t really talked in awhile, but if you need anything, you know where to find me. Take care!
.-= Laura´s last blog ..Aloha Friday =-.
Hang in there. Depression makes everything look useless and hopeless and pale, but it does get better. I promise.
.-= Kate@And Then I Was a Mom´s last blog ..An ode to the bookless book club, with a dab of giveaway. =-.