The Guilty Parent

If I had known when I was little, just how un-rich my parents were, I would have asked for a lot less and learned to value what I had a little bit more.

credit: Vale de Sousa

Unfortunately though, my parents didn’t concern the four of us with how much money we didn’t have. I guess to them it wasn’t something that we should have to worry about. Occasionally I would be upset that I didn’t wear the latest fashions but my clothes weren’t handmade (something that was considered a sign of NO MONEY when I grew up) and I wasn’t wearing anyone’s hand me downs or shopping in resale shops for back to school clothes.

It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I got a clue that not everyone was always able to buy whatever they wanted. Still some of that information was wasted on my bullheaded youth because I had two amazing grandmothers who always made sure that if we kids wanted something, it was there for us. Growing up, if my sister or I saw a Barbie in the store, and we drooled in front of it long enough, either my mom or my grandmother bought it for us. A couple of times I saw my mom try to put the Barbie back but my grandmother would get so beside herself that my mom would just give up and let her get it for me or my sister. I had no clue that none of them could afford the lifestyle they were trying to give us. By the time my brothers were born, there was no one getting beside themselves, the toy or item just went in the cart.

I’ve never gone into much explaining about money to our own kids. I guess it was my upbringing that led me to believe that money isn’t something that eight and nine year-olds don’t need to contend with. Brian grew up in a very different atmosphere, exactly the opposite from mine so he of course doesn’t seem to bat an eye at telling them that they can’t have something.

As of late though, we’re having to hold a lot of tough conversations about money with the kids.

It’s not like we’re “well off”. In fact, you could consider us a lower middle class family, or even lower class, depending on the part of the US you are in. My kids are used to not getting what they want whenever they want it; they got a Nintendo Game Cube just when people decided that it was the PS3 that was the game system to have (and now it’s a Wii). In the long run I guess I wouldn’t have it any different (I don’t like the idea of spoiled kids who are handed EVERYTHING they want) but it still pains me to tell them why they can’t do participate in something or that they can’t have something and then have to explain it to them in a way they’d understand and it’s even harder to explain all of that when no one ever explained it to you (somehow the phrase “we aren’t made of money” just doesn’t cut it).

Christmas and three birthdays are right around the corner here; I missed even getting Brian a birthday card last month because our more immediate concern was his car accident and helping him heal from his injuries. Right now I’m more frustrated than I could ever be because for all we try to do to keep our heads above the sand, we still feel like we’re sinking quickly.

We have no money trees in our backyard and though we are prepared for an emergency (I credit hubs with planning for that stuff) we aren’t prepared for daily life and the little things that come along with it (like groceries, school pictures, and toilet paper). Even Brian at this point is having a hard time telling Bebe why Karate classes are going to have to wait or why mom doesn’t have the extra money to reward for good report cards. I know that sounds petty money concerns but to me, it sounds like failing. It actually runs much deeper than that but I don’t have the energy to go into it.

Of course the important bills are getting paid (like electric and mortgage) but looking at the checkbook, I am frantically adding up how much extra work I need to take on in order to put presents under a tree for all four kids and a husband too (though he swears he won’t care if I don’t get him anything, I know better) and make sure three boys aren’t disappointed on their birthdays. I’m also praying that Brian doesn’t re-injure his knee a second time. It’s not like I’m trying to completely fill the space underneath our tree and have gifts bursting from every angle (I purposely buy a small tree every year so it looks like there are more gifts than what there might really be), but I don’t want them to feel disappointed. That’s the worst kind of parent guilt of all; disappointing your kids.

We try not to dwell on the fact that we’re currently going through some rough financial days right now but on the days when the kids really lay on the “can I haves” it’s all I can see and it leaves me worn out, angry, and feeling like a very bad mother.

As of yet the kids have never complained and I credit that to us focusing on other things like spending time with family and friends.

It’s taken me three days to sit down and get this all out but today after a disheartening email from a client that said “the check isn’t in the mail… yet”, and having to beg/yell at the boys to stop fighting and stop running into my room as a you-can’t-hurt-me-now safe zone (while I’m working), that I finally reached my breaking point. I considered not even publishing this because who wants to read me complain but then I remembered;

This is my blog. I created it so I could complain whenever and however I want.

This is life and right now it’s ugly and messy and poor.

It feels like I’m holding the day to day security of my family on top of my head. I shudder to think if anyone gets sick. I can get them to the doctor but I can’t pay for the copay or buy the medicine.

Just so you know, I failed the part of gym where you had to walk the balance beam.

What’s more frustrating is the amount of money I have coming in unremitted invoices but that won’t stop our phone from being shut off (my cell phone currently is shut off because I chose basic necessities over my cell phone) or not being able to take the kids to school if they miss the bus because I can’t put gas in our van.

This sucks. This sucks any way you slice it. I know there will be people who will say “just dip into the savings”.

People, we have and it’s what is paying the mortgage and the electric right now. It’s what’s keeping the lights on. I hate feeling like I’m failing and I hate whining.

So tonight, I will go to some crappy content site and claim a bunch of articles that will pay a decent rate and every night this week I’ll sit and write them because I know they won’t take 3 weeks to deposit money.

I know that other people have it far worse than this and maybe just by getting this off my chest I’ll feel better. But I might not and until I see some checks come in, I won’t be able to see past my own worries and sometimes shitty stuff happens to us and I just need to work through it, vent it out and then move on.

This post is probably riddled with grammar, spelling and sentence structure errors.

Piss off.

I’m waiting for my turn to move on.

Thank you for visiting. I love having new readers so please feel free to join the discussions! If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Come back soon!!