The Guilty Parent

I’m sure everyone has seen recently the mom in Minnesota who defied a court order for her son to receive chemo for Hodgkins Lymphoma that has spread or the mom found guilty in Wisconsin for not getting her daughter medical care for Diabetes, and using prayer to try and heal her .  The girl died of diabetes in 2008.

courtesy Jason Morrison

Both of these stories scare me to no end.  But not for the reasons you may think.  Let me explain before you leave, thinking I’m a parenting freak.  Both of my kids were immunized and do receive regular medical care.  I have taken them to the ER  as needed.  But I do question their doctors before I agree to thing.  Do they need that antibiotic?  Can we delay this shot?  Are steroids for asthma a good thing?  And most of the time, we have discussed it and I agree to the needed treatment.

However, I have gone against my doctor’s advice.  When my daughter was four, we discovered she had fluid in her ears that would not drain out.  It caused her some hearing loss.  We consulted with an ENT.  The doctor’s  advice was we take out the tonsils and adenoids, which I was not opposed to.  But she wanted to put in ear tubes at the same time.  I said no.  I know how much fun ear tubes can be, my brother in law had them until he was 20.  I did not want to do it and asked it we could wait until the day before the surgery to make a final decision.  She was not happy, but hesitantly agreed.

The day before the surgery, there was no fluid in my daughter’s ears, so she decided to hold off until later if needed.  I was relieved.  But scared until that day.  I had a fear that she would go against my wishes and put the tubes in anyway.  Then I would be stuck with their care and maintenance, not the doctor.

It’s scary to question your doctor.  But at the end of the day, I have to live with the decisions I make, why aren’t these moms allowed to?  They want to treat their child with prayer?  I see it no differently that antibiotics and Tylenol.  I fear the day that parents will be arrested and forced to get medical treatment for a child because a court decides that is what’s best for the child.  What if you are strongly against vaccines and agree to live with that choice?  Does a court have the right to force your child to get the shots, if you understand what could happen?  Do I want to feel threatened with legal action for doing what I think is in the best interest of my child?

I watch these cases with great interest.  I never want  a court to determine how I should take care of my child.  And no one else should have to go throught it.  These two families, and many others, have been through enought without the courts getting into it.

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May is National Mental Health Month. According to Mental Health America, 58% of parents reported struggling in their lives in 2008. Stress is a major influence in mental health and can affect every aspect of a person’s life. Stress leads to depression and can lead you down a further road.

Up until recently, having a mental health issue was often looked upon as a bad thing. According to Wikipedia, having mental issues was often seen as a moral issue, either a punishment for sin or a test of faith and character. In the 16th  to 18th centuries, the mentally disturbed were often victims of witch-hunts. By the end of the 17th century, people with mental illness were treated harshly, often getting whipped and restrained.

Here in the United States, in the 19th and 20th centuries, we saw a boom in psychology and social work, as professions. In the 60s, psychiatric hospitals were closed down, making way for community mental health services, thus leading to some patients becoming homeless or in jail due to inadequate services. You can read more about the History of Mental Health over at MentalHealth.com.

There are still stigmas attached to someone who has mental illness. Although there are more resources for someone who is experiencing depression, for example, there are still feelings of inadequacy and shame, not to mention public ridicule. We as parents are expected to be”perfect”, to be able to have it all and do it all, especially single parents.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, overworked, and overstressed, remember,  there are resources out there!

Mental Health America provides these tips for Parenting During Tough Economic Times:

• Limit kids’ exposure to worries. Try not to talk too much about your own fears when the kids are listening, and consider turning off the TV news. You may think your 5-year-old tunes out adult topics, but he may hear just enough to spark his active imagination.
• Share honestly but appropriately. Secrets can be scary. You certainly don’t want to overwhelm your child with information, but it’s probably best to share some of your family’s financial situation. Take a reassuring approach by pointing out any areas you know are stable, such as staying in the same school despite any other changes.
• Economize in a way that’s clear and fair. If you need to scale back on your children’s after-school activities, letting them pick from a few options may decrease their disappointment. You might also consider less-expensive options at local community centers and libraries too. And don’t forget to show kids that you’re cutting back on some of your own “extras” as well.
• Keep predictability high. Kids like routine. Make sure your child’s includes exercise to burn off energy, soothing nighttime activities and, above all, some special time with you. Children crave attention, and if they’re not getting it in positive ways they may get it by acting out.
• Let kids contribute. Even little kids can help around the house to ease your load. They also can donate old clothes or toys to a local shelter. Helping out builds self-esteem and a child’s sense of effectiveness in the world.
• Take a breather. Let’s face it: Raising kids can be a ton of work. If you feel that your stress is affecting your ability to be kind and gentle, go off somewhere to regain your composure. Don’t let your kids feel it’s their fault you’re having a bad moment.
• Set aside “me” time. You’re probably working hard at work and then working hard at home. If you don’t refuel somehow, you’re going to run out of steam. Get enough rest, squeeze in a little fun, and maybe take just 10 minutes to connect with friends. Learn more about some simple ways to take care of yourself and boost your emotional strength at www.LiveYourLifeWell.org.
• Get professional help if you need it. If you’re having trouble parenting–or dealing with any of your other day-to-day responsibilities–a mental health professional can help you learn new coping skills. Some sources for finding therapists include your primary care doctor, clergy member or Mental Health America affiliate. If your child is showing signs of stress like trouble sleeping, headaches, or acting sullen or angry, you also can talk with a school psychologist or guidance counselor.

Here are a couple of links that can help someone who may be experiencing mental health issues:

Find help using Mental Health America’s website here.

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) has great resources, like research funding news, science news, and even a video about depression.

You can also contact your local Department of Social Services or search for a provider at SuperPages.com.

Credit Craig Jewell

Last year was a pretty good year under my role of mother.

The children grew as expected, no one caught any terrible illness that couldn’t be cured without Tylenol and 7up, they were fed, bathed, read to, danced with, cuddled, kissed, and even swatted when needed. Groundings were handed out and so were rewards, dinners out, awesome toys, and many, many laughs. Hard times came and went, we experienced joy and sadness. I wiped bottoms, cheered on the sidelines, drove to practices, made lunches, had heart to heart talks, cried a little and prayed a lot. I yelled at the top of my lungs, lost my voice, swore silently, swore loudly, paced endlessly, never worried needlessly, met new friends, and managed to take at least one shower and one trip to the bathroom unattended.

However, in my contract as mother to four, it never spells out what I expect in return (does your contract say it? I’d like to take a peek at it).

So this year, I’m renegotiating my contract. As we all know, contract renewal is coming up on May 1oth. This is the day every year that husbands and children try to woo us with breakfast in bed, projects from school that 21 other kids made exactly the same, hugs, kisses, affirmations that we are the best mom EVER (at least for those 24 hours or until we have to tell someone to stop hitting their sister), or the promise that we get THE WHOLE DAY all to ourselves (which usually only turns out to be about five or six hours TOPS) all in the hope of signing on for another year of a dirty thankless job, that is grossly under appreciated yet highly valued and sought out by millions of women around the world.

After all of that, I think I’m finally due for some contract negotiations. In the past I’ve been tricked flattered by the trinkets and affirmations of love by the other parties involved. However, I think I’m finally on to them this year and I’ve devised some edits which I believe to have MY best interest in mind.

And so on May 10th, I’m making some much needed edits for the 2009-2010 year. Here are some of the contract revisions I’ve come up with. Feel free to copy and use as you need or add your own revisions:

1. Stay out of my stash of chocolate. I know you all know where it is and all I ask is that you stay out. That stash of chocolate is what keeps you alive. I’ve counted and someone owes me 10 M&Ms from the big bag. Please don’t make me check hands or smell your breath. I’m not above it.

2. I require at least ONE trip to the bathroom a day that does not require your assistance or company.

3. In order to continue your education and vocabulary, I require that everyone reads to me from now on. I’m old and my eyes hurt.

4. Any mention of gray hair, wrinkles, or my age will result in no dessert and 7pm bedtimes for the entire summer vacation. Anyone who snickers or giggles in agreement will endure this punishment through the end of the year. You’ve been warned.

5. Should you put anyone up to the task of sweet talking or bribing me into a trip to McDonald’s or ice cream before your chores are finished shall be dealt with swiftly and with much cruelty and creativity.

6. I require two (2) days a month that belong completely to me. Those days begin at midnight and end at midnight resulting in a full 24 hours. I may or may not choose to take them consecutively. It will depend on my sanity and your behavior at the time.

7. Do not call me on my cell phone while I am out and beg me to come home because dad is meaner than I am. I already know this and yes, I meant to do that.

8. Do not call me on my cell phone and tell me dad is messing up dinner, bath time, story time, homework, or whatever. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. Telling me will delay my return to the house.

9. Visits with friends, sleepovers and such shall be decided amongst the adults – not the children at the last minute on the day you want to visit or sleepover. We require more than 7 minutes notice. Any last minute requests will be met with a NO. Especially if you keep asking and following me while you are on the phone with said friend.

10. I will continue to accept hugs, kisses, small hand made gifts that I can’t tell what it is until you tell me, cards, and attempts at cooking as payment for my services but not as a form of bribery for later bedtimes, sleepovers, or special treatment. Accepted forms of bribery include, money (I give you all of mine, you would have to give it back), jewelry (diamonds, not your sister’s craft beads), and vacations, (without you, thank you very much). Please show this section to your father. He can help you.

Well moms what do you think? It’s high time we start looking at this role as the lucrative and highly skilled role that it is. Not every woman can do this or even wants this job (make sure you bring that up during negotiations so as to scare away any notions of finding someone else to do your job).

What edits might you add to your contract? Share them with us!

University of Washington

As referenced in my product review of Walking Wings, I have a baby with nursemaids elbow.  Baby K is my third born child, and he is much like my first born having this nursemaids elbow. I am lucky in that I have dealt with one child already who had the issue and now know how to properly handle a child with this problem.

You will find I refer to nursemaids elbow as a “issue”, “problem”, or even “injury” because honestly I have yet to find the proper term for it. Nursemaids elbow is a common injury that can occur from birth all the way to age five. This article is more of a way to let more Moms know this is an all too common injury that may lead to pediatricians,  emergency room personnel and others blaming someone for the injury occurring. Please know that nursemaids elbow is not something that occurs because of abuse, neglect or similar associated with child mistreatment.

What is nursemaids elbow:

An injury that occurs when the child’s arm is slightly pulled {without intending harm} that makes the elbow “pop” out of socket. The joint where your elbow is to sit is slightly too large for the child’s elbow, but will grow into itself within the first four to five years of life.

Nursemaids elbow is an interposition of the annular ligament into the radial-humerus joint. The annular ligament normally passes around the proximal radius just below the radial head. With traction on the extended arm, the annular ligament slides over the head of the radius into the joint space and becomes entrapped. - Taken from The University of Chicago Pritzer School of Medicine Pediatrics Clerkship

How does it occur?

Nursemaids elbow can occur for something as simple as a child rolling over, not letting go of the child’s hand when they are falling, holding babies hand while they pull themselves up, and many other similar situations.

What can I do?

Aside from feeling really guilty about your child constantly having their elbow pop out of place, you can be aware that your child has this problem. Make family, friends and any others who may play with, babysit or be near your child aware of nursemaids elbow and how fragile your child’s arm truly is.

Will my child outgrow this?

YES! Most children outgrow nursemaids elbow by age 4 or 5. My first born didn’t have an occurrence after age 2, but pediatricians have told me up to age 5 they can be at risk for nursemaids elbow.

Disclosure: I am writing this as one Mom to another parent to make more people aware of this injury, and am in no way a medical expert. If you feel your child may have nursemaids elbow the only way you can find out for sure is to discuss with your pediatrician or family doctor.

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Credit Jasper Greek Golangco

I’m the mother of a 9 year old little girl who has been diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve always wondered what it does to her brain, much less what the Speed the doctors (not to mention school) want her to take, is doing to her brain. She was diagnosed in 1st grade after being sent to the office 6 times in kindergarten.

Within the past two weeks I took my daughter off of her meds. Why? Well… because she’s 9 and she weighs 54 lbs. Or maybe because the medication costs approximately $150 and we don’t have insurance right now.

We have an IEP in place for my daughter and she gets help with her worst subject, math. But guess what? State testing is tomorrow and the school called me and asked about the status of her medication, and if she was going to have it for Maryland State Assessment. It was as if they basically want me to drug her up get her medication for her prior to then. And I told them I’ve never been keen on using the medication and I don’t like it at all. I told them I don’t know what to do right now because I don’t have the insurance but I understand that she can’t necessarily focus like other kids and she’s distracting everyone. So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. The only thing is, she’s getting sent to the office quite regularly because she can’t control herself. I’m trying to encourage her by telling her if I get no bad reports, at the end of the week I’ll take her to pick out a toy or something she likes. I don’t want her to use this condition as a crutch.

Honestly, I feel that the teachers can’t handle these children and push the parents to get them on medication, and I don’t care how much research is done, we really don’t know what these medications do to our children. I know people who were on these medicines as children and they are not necessarily productive members of society. Medications used to treat ADHD are speed, plain and simple, and if you’ve ever done them (not that I have), you would know what it does to you. Supposedly it’s the exact opposite of what it does to the kids, but who really knows?!

So for now, instead of drugging up my daughter, I’m seeking out resources to help me learn more about this condition and how to handle her better. Here’s some resources that may help you, if you are in the same boat that I am in.

ADHD Resources for Parents

CHADD

ADHD Resources by State

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